Charade
by jellobeans
Summary: After many years of being away, Emma Swan finally returns to Storybrooke – as Gold's hired bounty hunter. The mystery of the crimes turn out to be deeper than anticipated and that means her path crosses with the infuriating, but irresistible Detective Killian Jones, the man she's been in love with since they were kids, but also the man she's been avoiding since she skipped town.


_This is based on the Stephanie Plum book series by Janet Evanovich. Emma's POV. This is a VERY AU fic. I mean, relationships are not the same and I've even changed the names of some characters, added new characters, too. Even the personalities and issues aren't very similar to their characters on the series. And think of Snow and Charming as old enough to be Emma's parents._

_This chapter is strictly introductory so we don't get to see anything really happen yet, just Emma telling her story. :)_

_Here we go!_

_(**edit:** Don't hate me for failing to update this for a while... or do. I wanted to make some changes to the plot I originally outlined and now I have to redo major storylines and then my muse left me. We'll see when I can update but I promise to never ever abandon anything)_

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**Chapter 1**

**If There's One Thing I'm Good At, It's Failing**

I'm Emma Swan and I just found out I was jobless. Again. Don't you dare ask me how many times that happened this year.

I am about to deliver the news to my son Henry, who, at the moment is out on the porch, waiting for his dad to pick him up. Henry lives in Storybrooke with Neal, his father. Neal's not my husband. Christ, I don't have one and dear lord, may I never have one. That's too much work and I don't want to grow old scratching my husband's wrinkly back while he goes to sleep like my mother does for my dad. Anyway, Henry was a result of teenage hormones and lots and lots of alcohol. Neal had been a close friend since childhood.

You know how sometimes you've been close friends with someone and you feel like you owed it to yourselves to give the more-than-friends thing a try? Yeah, me neither. But that's what happened one night and 9 months later, I had popped out a boy from my hoo-ha at the tender age of 19. Neal is just recently happily married and I am more than happy for him. Tamara seems nice and she's good to Henry. So she gets my approval. Neal and I have reverted back to being friends since the whole baby incident. Actually, we've always been friends… _just_ friends if I'm being totally honest. It was never ever like _that_, between us. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's kind of weird. Neal's sort of a brother to me now. Eww. But alas, what happened happened, and no regrets. This little cutie in front of me is the only thing that isn't a major failure in my life.

"Hey kid, that was my boss…"

"Let me guess, you got fired?!" He was suddenly excited.

"Yeah, gee, don't be sad."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not happy you lost a job again. It's just… uhm…it's the most exciting thing that's happened in your life lately. But it's okay. I was wondering when you'd get fired anyway. It's about time. "

Humpf. This kid. It's true, though. I haven't been dating at all, I have no social life whatsoever, and I'd been job-hopping for as long as I can remember. The longest I've stayed in a job had been four months. I was actually doing pretty well being, ahem, the _best_ laundry folder at a local laundry shop until the owner, Ursula, fired me when he, I mean she, overheard me calling him, I mean her, Frank N' Furter. Picture Frank N' Furter… then there you go, that's my boss. The she-man is unwomanly bulky. She had a thick unibrow as well. She didn't have curves, and she barely has eyelashes, and I bet she didn't have deodorant either. One thing she had though, was a moustache. She was kind of like a Mafia Frank N' Furter. The moustache was the kind of moustache that called your attention. I can't see anything else when I'm looking at her. One time she got so mad at me and her nostrils were doing mega-flare and it just emphasized her moustache even more that halfway through her speech, I started snorting. That wasn't the first and only time she yelled at me since I've made countless mistakes of calling her sir. Now come to think of it, it's a fucking miracle I lasted 4 months with Frankie. Hmm.

"Oops, kid, you forgot your book. I'll go get it."

I was inside looking for Henry's storybook when I heard him call out, "Mom, dad's here!"

"I'll be right there!"

As I was going down the stairs of my teeny tiny apartment, I heard my precious son sell me out, "Mom just lost her job again. I win."

Aha! So, that's why the kid had been all too happy at my news.

"What? I should've known." Neal answered, handing Henry a 40.

"What's this?" I asked, already knowing what it is. Neal humoured Henry every time I got a new job. They bet on how long I'd last.

"You lost your job again, I hear."

I shrugged. "Another one, down. They can't handle me."

Henry kissed me on the cheek as I hugged him tight. I always feel sad whenever he leaves me. If only I could visit him. Ugh. No, that's out of the question.

You see, I come from a very conservative town and I have very religious Catholic parents. When I say very, I mean extremely. Missing Sunday mass was deeply frowned upon. What more with pre-marital pregnancy? I don't stand a chance at Storybrooke. Growing up with my parents conditioned my brain to be ashamed of what happened to me and since Storybrooke is a small town full of folks like my parents, where everybody knew each other, well, you get the picture.

I still go home during the holidays. The first time I came home was the hardest. Everyone just found out what happened to me and the very first time I went out of the house, I heard some people gossiping about me and saw the judgy looks they sent my way while I walked around town. Seriously? It's not like I'm the first woman to have had that kind of fate. If people only knew the secrets of everyone else in town they wouldn't be this hard on me. Needless to say, that was the beginning of my hate towards Storybrooke. Don't get me wrong, I've always disliked it there, I just never thought I'd detest it.

There I was after high school, excited about finally leaving Storybrooke, excited about my life finally beginning. Imagine my shock when after just a few weeks of freedom, the prego test turned out positive. Actually, I wasn't really shocked. I had a feeling I'd get pregnant when Neal and I did it and we didn't use protection. Oh ho ho I'm hilarious. I can laugh about it now but my pregnancy was a very trying time. I was at my lowest. I withdrew from school before it even properly started and got myself a job.

I miraculously managed to keep two jobs at a time even with the fast turnover. I guess, it was my fault I was a professional job-hopper. When I was still in school, I was always on top of the class and – oh! I forgot to mention, I'm a singer. Well, an aspiring one. I left Storybrooke to study Music and to pursue a singing career. I was not a restaurant mascot, not a janitress, not a button factory worker, and definitely not a lifetime laundry folder for Frankie.

The hardship during my pregnancy almost made me give Henry up for adoption. Was I just gonna let go of my dreams? Still, I didn't do it. I couldn't. I knew of someone who had been given up for adoption and he turned out okay…sometimes. I could see he was very scarred because of it, and I didn't want my son to grow up feeling unloved and abandoned like that. I mean how hard could it be to raise a baby?

It. Was. So. God. Damn. Hard.

I had to stop working my two jobs for a while a few months before I gave birth and after Henry was born. I wouldn't have made it if I hadn't had some help from my best friend Ruby from the very beginning. She was the only one who knew about my pregnancy. Her granny owned a diner and she had a side job with computers and tracking and stuff I never understood. She's great at it so she got hired for that and paid for that a lot as well. I hated having to accept her help but she insisted and really, I had no other choice. She kept my secret from Neal and my parents until I was ready. My parents never caught me cause they never visited and I was the queen of alibis for when I couldn't come home for the holidays. When I visited them, I never brought Henry with me.

When Henry was almost 2, I was ready to ask for help from his father. I realized I couldn't keep this up any longer and I wasn't going to let my fears hinder my child from having a good life. Neal's very rich, you see. He's Mr. Gold's son. Mr. Gold owns a couple of antique stores all over the country. He's an avid collector of those expensive old useless stuff that people actually pay wads of cash for like candlesticks and whatnot. Well, he's pretty good at selling candlesticks, I guess, 'cause he's mighty fucking rich. Oh, and his daughter, Neal's sister, Regina, is also the town mayor. Talk about equal distribution of power in our town. Basically, Neal is the kid who was the disappointment. He got his inheritance and opened up a bar in town and became the bartender. I think it's pretty cool. But apparently, being Mr. Gold's heir, that wasn't enough.

Anyway, I told Neal about Henry and yeah he freaked out, and then got mad at me for not telling him, but then he felt guilty, and long story short, he promised to be part of Henry's life from that point onwards. And after that, money was no more a problem. Phew! Well, for Henry at least. I never used and never wanted to use any of the money he gave us for my personal needs so it was back to job-hopping for me.

When it was time for Henry to start school, I started to have lots of free time and it was during this that I realized I wanted to revisit my dreams of becoming a singer. I told Neal all about it and he proposed to take Henry with him so I can pursue my dreams. I wanted to do it but I couldn't just leave my son. Neal had always known how important singing was to me and convinced me to go. I felt guilty about even considering it. He convinced me to tell my parents so they can help me decide about my life so I could finally move forward. I deemed it was about time anyway, so I did. It's a wonder I even got to hide this from them all this time.

So, my parents? Not amused. I told you, my parents were so very religious. In fact, if they didn't fall in love with each other, I'd reckon my father would've been a priest. Not sure about my mother being a nun, though, she's got quite the temper. I called them over to my place and when I told them, they were shocked of course and they looked at me like I couldn't have been the daughter they raised. The worst part was that I couldn't really blame them.

When they finally got to meet Henry, they seemed to forget how much they hated me. They loved him.

More or less, my parents and I are okay now. But sometimes, I still feel their disappointment. They had such high hopes for me. They enrolled me to singing classes since I was 5, I was the lead singer in the church choir, they've entered me in singing competitions and I'd win, everything a dreamer would want and need in her parents, I had it. Just because of one stupid mistake, my world as it was had ended.

A week after that talk, my parents convinced me to go through with my dreams. They promised they'd look after Henry and they said I had to pursue it while I was still young. I was already 23 then. I went to L.A., went to more classes, juggled jobs to pay for the classes and support myself. I auditioned like crazy and I've gotten through advanced stages in competitions here and there but a break never came. I tried my hand at acting as well but the only gig I got was in a commercial for foot fungus.

That was it. 4 years of all that and I was still no one.

I decided to pour all my efforts into something else – being a mother to Henry. I still can't get myself to live in Storybrooke so I based myself in the next town over. I was lucky because there's a coffee shop in here where I get to sing and play some nights after work.

Since I'm being honest here, I guess the pregnancy wasn't really the reason I never wanted to come back to Storybrooke. I mean, the looks and the talks behind my back weren't even evident anymore the following times I visited. I guess the real reason was that I felt like going back home cements the fact that I was a major failure. I left town after high school with high expectations from everyone, but I wasn't even out of town for a month when I found out I'm having a baby. And now that I had the chance to pursue the dream I've wanted all my life, all I could ever be proud of was singing for free in front of 10 people who won't even look at me and of course, being in that foot fungus commercial everyone gave me crap about.

—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o —o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—o—

After Henry left, I lounged around the house, trying to get the pity party started about being jobless again. I ran out of ice cream after a while so I went to the nearest convenience store to pick up some more and buy the local newspaper to see job listings.

"Ah, here again for _that_, purrty? You never read the papers unless you're looking for a job."

That was 'I-never-shower-unless-it's-Sunday-but-I'm-still-G od's-gift-to-womankind-at-72' Mr. Digby. I didn't answer. I swear, every single interaction I have with this horny old guy was either him hitting on me or him provoking me for murder.

"Try to last longer next time, baby" He dirty-winked at me and it took all the brought-up-to-be-a-goody-little-Catholic-lady in me not to connect my fist to that smug cockroach's sorry excuse for a face.

I went home and dug on to my new tub of ice cream like there was no tomorrow.

It was around 8pm when Neal suddenly called and I had fallen asleep on the couch with the ice cream on top of my tummy.

"Sup? I'm busy."

"Busy looking for a new job?"

"You know it. Unless I want to be a wart remover's assistant, no luck yet."

"Wanna be a bounty hunter?"

"Hell yeah."

"I'm serious."

"Huh?"

"Got 3 Failure-To-Appear's here in Storybrooke. If you nab them, that's easy money."

"What?"

"It can be your temporary job until you find a new one. You've always been good in finding people. You always beat me when we were kids at hide and seek."

"Cause that totally counts, right?"

"It's not like they're actual criminals. Probably they just forgot their court dates. Some of them, you know. You can just ask them to come with you then you get a paycheck. Easy, I tell you."

"Why don't you do it if it's easy?"

"I don't need money."

"Right. Who's the bondsman?"

"My dad."

"Mr. Gold?!."

"That's my dad, yeah. Is that a yes, then?"

"Did he ask me to do it?"

"No." he actually snorted. "Well, you're jobless and he has no one to do it for him. It's not like he can run around town with that limp of his. And besides, the skips are actually just a bunch of weirdos, no dangerous, scary stuff."

"What about Killian?"

"_Ooh, Killian._" He said it the way third grade girls teased each other. "Funny how he's the first person you think of."

"Calm your pig tails, Neal. That's so middle school. Isn't he a cop? Why doesn't he just help Gold out and do it for the fee?"

"He's above this sort of thing, you know. He's _Detective_ Jones. He's got other problems, more important ones. And that wasn't just middle school, Emma. You've had eyes for him since birth 'til… I don't know… the birth of Henry. What, you in or out? Hurry up! Tamara, Henry and I are going out to dinner."

Now you see, I'm not the jealous type but I am very short on quality time with my son as it is and Neal saying that they were going out to dinner like a family actually kind of made me left out. If I accept this job, I'd get to be with Henry anytime I wanted even if it's just temporary. That's more than enough reason to do it. But this also means being back home. Ugh. But it's not like I'm really going back. This is just temporary. And I don't really have better options here as of the moment.

Hmmm… how hard could it be? He said no dangerous stuff, right? Hell yeah, I could be a badass bounty hunter, why the hell not?

"In."

"Great! Now I'll just have to convince my father. You can thank me later." Beep.

"Wha-?"

Greeeaaat.

It's not like I already had my hopes up or anything.

Fucking Neal, man.

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_:D_

_Thoughts? Reactions? Comments? Death threats?_

_Go on, just tell me what you think :)_

_Next chapters probably won't be this long. I had to do the groundwork on this version of Emma and her life in this one._

_Hope you liked it. You probably hate me cause there's no Killian yet._

_But don't worry, he's coming ;)_


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